


Grief

by bookworm03



Series: Girl Crush [2]
Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Cheating, F/M, Long-Term Relationship(s), Not Actually Unrequited Love, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-11 03:26:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12926322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookworm03/pseuds/bookworm03
Summary: Ben deals with his grief as he comes to terms with his kiss with Leslie. SomeSortOfAU.





	Grief

**Author's Note:**

> Part two in this series. I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> Comments and kudos are very appreciated! Thank you!

The first stage is denial. 

He was drunk, so drunk, too drunk to make a rational decision. She was just there, looking so pretty and perfect and smiling, and it happened. She was teasing him, goading him almost, and his drunk self was too far gone to say no.

He’s a man and there was a hot girl in front of him and of course he kissed her. Honestly, the fact that he managed to just do that was probably enough of a win. He’s not a cheater, so why would he start now. It was a blip, an err in judgement, something to never speak of again.

If he tries hard enough he can convince himself he imagined it. Leslie seems fine. She hugs him hello and her voice is cheerful. Maybe he dreamed it. Maybe it was his subconscious playing some sort of fucked up game on him. He’s too in his head and he’s definitely thought about Leslie before.

Maybe he imagined it.

Across the room, Leslie’s gaze darts towards the door and she catches him looking at her. She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.

It’s then Ben realizes he can’t deny it anymore.

*****

The second stage is anger. 

He gets angry at Leslie first. She told Ann and Donna, and Ron heard them talking and then Tom says something to Ben at the Snakehole one night. They all know, they’re all laughing at him probably; he’s one pair of loose lips away from Cindy finding out.

His girlfriend’s not there tonight, so he takes the opportunity to charge across the bar and yank Leslie into a corner. He feels so hot he might explode. Leslie’s blue eyes flash and she folds her arms.

“How could you  _ tell them _ ?” He snarls more than he has any right to. “They’re all talking about it, they’re all...Cindy could...It was just a kiss.”

Her tiny fingers shove into his chest and now her eyes are blazing.

“You listen to me Benjamin Wyatt, if you didn’t want people to find out you shouldn’t have kissed me in the first place!”

“I just - ”

“You can lie all you want to yourself, but you did the kissing too.” She says, her words shaky. “And if Cindy finds out you cannot put that on me.”

Ann appears out of the shadows and Ben storms off.

He gets mad at Cindy second. He sits down beside her on the couch to ask her about her day and she climbs into his lap with a grin instead of talking to him.  

He never used to have a problem with that.

*****

The third stage is bargaining.

He wants to undo it. As nice as it was, as nice as she felt in his arms, he wants it to not have happened. He wants Superman to reverse the rotation of the earth so kissing Leslie can be a thing he thought about once or twice and nothing more.

When he comes to the realization that Superman is not going to save him, Ben considers his options. He could tell Cindy and suggest therapy, he could make a deal with Leslie never to speak of it again, he could offer Cindy her own one night...whatever, just so they could be even.

For some reason that last thought does not bother him.

But the reality is Ben doesn’t want to put it in a box. It happened and he doesn’t feel as bad about it as he should.

*****

The fourth stage is sadness.

He kissed Leslie and he kissed Leslie because his relationship is missing something.

He kissed Leslie because he wanted to and he’s been thinking about it for a very long time.

He kissed Leslie because he cares about Cindy but something’s not right anymore.

He doesn’t want to marry her. He doesn’t want to commit to being with her forever. For the next year or two he can picture it all so clearly, but he can’t picture forever. He can’t imagine a situation where he isn’t done at some point.

And that might be the scariest part of all.

He breaks down in the shower a couple of times. The emotions come quick and fast when he’s alone and he starts to imagine telling Cindy he needs to end it, he’s not going to marry her and he’s so sorry. He imagines them selling their house and splitting up their things and contemplates whether he would have to hire a lawyer.

He imagines showing up at Easter without her and having to field everyone’s questions.

He imagines in stages.

He imagines what he would say and after two tries he makes it through the entire speech.

Next, he imagines moving out. He’ll give her the place of course. He’ll get a hotel. They’ll sell the house. She might end up going to stay with her parents for a while anyway.

He can’t do the same and even if he could, he wouldn’t want to.

Soon he’s able to tell people, in his mind at least. Henry first, then Steph and then his mom. His dad will tell him he’s an idiot, but Henry will tell him he did the right thing. Steph will be sad. She always said Cindy felt like a sister. Ben’s been with her longer than Henry’s been with his wife. They’ve gone through so much.

He cries a lot in the shower, mostly because it’s overwhelming. His parents have their own issues and his siblings have their own lives. Cindy’s family and stability and he doesn’t know how to let that go.

He’s not sure he can.

*****

The fifth stage is acceptance.

He makes it all the way through the next Christmas four times in his head before he decides he can do this. He can end this. It’s not fair to Cindy. He loves her, but he’s not in love with her anymore and she should be loved like she deserves.

He does it on a night they have nowhere to be. He sits her down at their kitchen table and holds her hands across it. He says the speech he’s rehearsed a million times and watches the tears form behind her big brown eyes. She starts to sob and he hugs her. She lets him for a while and then peels away.

She’s confused, she’s heartbroken and he never wanted to make her feel like this. He wonders if he’s being selfish, saying it’s for her benefit when it’s really for his.

They talk all night and he leaves in the morning. He packs a bag and books a hotel room. He avoids everyone at work and makes it to 1pm before he tells Chris he has to go home.

Chris understands and even offers him a place to stay, but Ben needs silence right now. He takes off his clothes, showers under water that scalds his skin and climbs into the middle of the fluffy white bed.

He watches TV and pays attention to none of it.

He feels like shit, but he did the right thing.


End file.
